Smart Words of the English Language

Darth Vader in the Canteen of the Death Star


Transcription of the video (text):

Eddie Izzard:But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down:
Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabiata.
Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray.
Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?
Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?
Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.
Canteen Worker: Well, you'll still need a tray.
Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.
Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on.
Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.
Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This a canteen, I work here.
Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star.
Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?
Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star!
Canteen Worker: This is a star?
Darth Vader: This is a fucking star! I run it! I'm your boss.
Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?
Darth Vader: No, I'm … who is Mr. Stevens?
Canteen Worker: He's Head of Catering.
Darth Vader: I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.
Canteen Worker: Wha'?
Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I'll get a tray, fuck it. This one's wet, and this one's wet and this one's wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first!
Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … ooo, penne all'arrabiata. That'd be very nice.
Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?
Other guy: That's Jeff Vader that is!
Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.
Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?
Darth Vader: No, Jeff … no, I run the Death Star.
Other guy: You Jeff Vader?
Darth Vader: No, I'm Darth Vader.
Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?
Darth Vader: I can't get his … no, I'm Jeff … all right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!
Other guy: Could I have your autograph?
Darth Vader: No, fuck off or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all'arrabiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!
Canteen Worker: Do you want peas with that?
Darth Vader: Peas! You don't have peas! You can't put in right in … you can't put …it doesn't work with penne! Unless you push 'em up the penne tubes and then it'd be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in.




Not only "Star Wars" by George Lucas is a frequent source of satirical humor, so is "Star Trek" by Gene Roddenberry. See this transscript of the lost episode Microsoft versus The Borg — very funny, and not only for aficionados.