English LanguageStart - Smart Words

This page is dedicated to the world of smart & genius jokes and has listed funny performances, humorous stories and hilarious events from various real life situations. You will find on these pages only jokes which definitely are safe for work, and also safe for children.

We giggle softly, chortle, chuckle, snort with laughter or guffaw: our risible muscles are used on a daily basis.

One famous quote states: "I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." [Audrey Hepburn, actress]

The origin of these humorous texts and funny jokes is unknown to me and they reflect not necessarily my opinion. Some of the content on the following pages might not be considered funny by special groups, e.g. lawyers, doctors, teachers, students, civil servants, Catholics, children, men and women. One definition states:

Humor is when you laugh despite.

So you have been warned. Either (try) to laugh or leave this page ;-).

“It is worth noting that Wittgenstein once said that a serious and good philosophical work could be written that would consist entirely of jokes (without being facetious).”
Norman Malcolm, Ludwig Wittgenstein: A Memoir

Watermelons

An old man is selling watermelons. His price-list reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10.

A student stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says: "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself: "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

"All models are wrong, but some are useful" [George Box (1919 -2013) was a British statistician, who worked in the areas of quality control, time-series analysis and design of experiments. ]

Your Source of Daily Entertainment

A professor of mathematics wrote the following on the blackboard:

1x9 = 9
2x9 = 18
3x9 = 27
4x9 = 36
5x9 = 45
6x9 = 54
7x9 = 63
8x9 = 72
9x9 = 81
10x9 = 91

At first there was quiet giggling, then many of the students started laughing because the professor had obviously miscalculated.

10x9 = 91!

At some point the whole room laughed. The professor waited until everyone was quiet again. Then he said:

"I made this mistake on purpose to demonstrate something to them. I solved 9 tasks correctly and only made one mistake. Instead of congratulating me for solving 9 out of 10 tasks correctly, they laughed at my one mistake. And with that they show very clearly how our education system works. And that is very sad, but unfortunately true. We live an error culture that leads to people being hurt and sometimes even humiliated just because they make a mistake. We need to learn to praise people for their successes and also to appreciate them for their small mistakes. Believe me, most people do a lot more right than wrong. And yet they are judged by the few mistakes they make. I would like to suggest to you that it is good to praise more and criticise less. Because so much more results from that. More affection, more loving togetherness, and less spitefulness. In this sense, come home safely."

With that, he took his papers and left the hall. It remained quite silent for a long time after these words. Most of the students nodded and spoke quietly about what they had just heard. And quite a few of them understood that the lesson they had just learnt was much more important than the result of 10x9.

Your Source of Daily Entertainment

Explaination

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Spongebob Secret of Secrets

Well there's no secret that the best thing about secrets is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby adding another secret to your secret collection of secrets, secretly.

Pronounce it please!

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...
"Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"


 

Great Lies!

A list of "Great Lies Of Our Time" Some of these will be familiar to many of you.

 

Some of these oxymoronic phrases are classics that everyone's heard of, but we thought a lot of them were quite original.

 

Dieting & Dying

Some observations about diets, dieting, and dying:

Conclusion

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Kangaroo

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

Pig

A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "Also, you have some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

Non-swimmers

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.

Cannibal

What does a cannibal say to the waiter in a restaurant on a cruise ship?

“Please bring me the passenger list.”

Water

Police stops a man in his car.

Police: Sir, what’s in that bottle?

Man replies: Water.

Police: [sniffs] It smells like wine!

Man: Oh no, Jesus did it again!

Vegan

Is this lactose free?

Yes.

Vegan?

Yes.

No gluten?

None.

Fat free?

Yes, dammit it! It’s just water!

With or without gas?

[Sounds of struggle]