Proverbs & Idioms & SayingsA small but fine collection / list of smart and famous puns, aphorisms, sayings and quotes
Humor and fun with and about words: quotations and puns help students to learn about homophony and polysemy. They learn to distinguish between words with similar sounds or spellings and learn about multiple meanings of words with a large semantic field. Furthermore, idiom-based jokes provide memorable contexts for idioms, which are notoriously difficult to memorize. Thus quotations and puns, help to facilitate the transition to a new language.
Smart Puns about Computer / PC
M$: Our software of tomorrow will make sure that on your hardware of tomorrow everything will work at the usual speed.
Who is General Failure? And why is he reading my harddisk?
In the beginning was the Word. The Word is NOT a trademark of Microsoft!
Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated, and all your code will serve the collective! [Variation of the BORG standard greeting
HAL 9000 [nervous]: "Dave, put down those Windows disks!!!"
Computer Industry Acronyms
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
WWW - World Wide Wait
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
SAP (UNIX) GUI is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.
Cool short English Sayings
The pun is mightier than the word.
The road to success is always under construction. [Lily Tomlin]
All my life I've always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.[Jane Wagner]
I worry whoever thought up the term "quality control" thought if we didn't control it, it would get out of hand.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I'm beginning to believe it.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I don't like balance. Balance is not a word you can use in Versace fashion. [Donatella Versace]
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
Everyday is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience ... well, that comes from poor judgment.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. [Pat Sajak]
The only power you have is the word 'no'. [Frances McDormand]
Art doesn't transform. It just plain forms. [Roy Lichtenstein]
Answering machine message: "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message"
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel - if there isn't, it's not a tunnel ...
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person (pay attention, this one never fails - although the reverse conclusion is not always true).
Contradictory statements: Not Necessarily Lying :
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
John Hogan, Common-wealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that, where I was flying, made what I was doing spying."
Francis Gary Powers, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.
"I didn't accept it. I received it."
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.
"I do exactly as my father did. He did not imitate and I do not imitate."
After Rabbi Noah succeeded his father Rabbi Mordechai as Rav of Lechovitz, his hasidic followers soon noted that he did many things quite differently. The reponse above was the answer, when Rabbi Mordechai was asked about this. [Eugene Borowitz, Frances Weinman Schwartz]
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
President Richard Nixon.
Famous Puns: with words, about words
Our Bible reveals to us the character of our God with minute and remorseless exactness ... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast. [Mark Twain]
Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation can not be held responsible for it. [Albert Einstein]
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. [Niels Bohr]
Essentially, all models are wrong, but some are useful. [George E. P. Box]
The best material model of a cat is another, or preferably the same, cat. [Norbert Wiener]
As a child, I received instruction both in the Bible and in the Talmud. I am a Jew, but I am enthralled by the luminous figure of the Nazarene. [Albert Einstein]
I support your right to free speech.
Respect my right not to be forced to listen to it.
I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.
Why can't you play cards on a small boat? Because someone is always sitting on the deck.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. (Socks can eat any place they want.)
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. » [Groucho Marx]
A MIT linguistic professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Time flies like an arrow;
fruit flies like a banana.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Attorney: Doctor, what treatment did you give this man?
Doctor: I cleansed the wound, sutured it, and put him to bed with a nurse.
My favorite bumper stickers says: "All generalizations are false."
The governor of the Bank of England began an address to an assembly of bankers with these words:
"There are three kinds of economists, those who can count and those who can't."
Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me?
That that is, is, that that is not, is not. [try understaning that without the commas set]
Famous and smart quotes (quotations)
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is. » [Ellen Degeneres]
It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. » [Marilyn Monroe]
If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. [Abraham Maslow]
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?' [Don Marquis]
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. [Drew Lawson, variant: ... part of the problem]
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level - then beat you with experience. [Dilbert]
Of those who say nothing, few are silent. [Thomas Neil]
A list of smart puns, quotes, proverbs and sayings - for various occasions.
Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. » [W. C. Fields]
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. » [Nikita Khrushchev]
Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true. » [Sir Boyle Roche]
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. » [Joseph Stalin]
War is just one more government program. » [Joseph Sobran]
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. » [François-Marie Arouet] (also known by the pen name Voltaire)
I'd rather be vaguely right than precisely wrong. » [John Maynard Keynes]
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. [Albert Einstein, variant]
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. [Leonardo Da Vinci]
It seems that perfection is reached not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. [Antoine de Saint Exupéry]
"All ravens are black" is logically equivalent to the statement "all non-black-objects are non-ravens". » [Carl Gustav Hempel]
I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. » [Bill Watterson]
When I'm good I'm very good, but when I'm bad I'm better. » [Mae West]
To die for an idea is to place a pretty high price upon conjectures. » [Anatole France]
Don't drink and drive, get stoned and fly!
Waiter : Would you like your coffee black.
Customer : What other colours do you have?
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. [Steve Jobs]
Alright, alright, I apologize. I'm really, really sorry. I apologize unreservedly. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact and was in no way fair comment and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future. [A fish called Wanda]
Of those who say nothing, few are silent. [Thomas Neil]
Intellectual brilliance is no guarentee against being dead wrong. [David Fasold]
He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not illumination. [Andrew Lang]
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. [H. L. Mencken]
Time is what prevents everything from happening at once. [John Archibald Wheeler]
Enjoyment is not a goal, it is a feeling that accompanies important ongoing activity. [Paul Goodman]
Insight, advice and practical wisdom
Organic life, we are told, has developed gradually from the protozoon to the philosopher, and this development, we are assured, is indubitably an advance. Unfortunately it is the philosopher, not the protozoon, who gives us this assurance. » [Bertrand Russell]
Gorbachev's stance contrasts admirably with the policy of the sainted Abraham Lincoln, who used massive force and mass murder to force the seceding Southern states to remain in the Union. » [Murray Newton Rothbard]
The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurement anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me. » [George Bernard Shaw]
I have been reading the Old Testament, a most bloodthirsty and perilous book for the young. Jehovah is beyond doubt the worst character in fiction. » [Edwin Arlington Robinson]
In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism. I helped make Mexico and especially Tampico safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. [...] I helped purify Nicaragua for the International Banking House of Brown Brothers in 1902 - 1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for the American sugar interests in 1916. I helped make Honduras right for the American fruit companies in 1903. In China in 1927 I helped see to it that Standard Oil went on its way unmolested. [...] Looking back on it, I might have given Al Capone a few hints. » [Smedley Butler] (General of the U.S. Marine Corps, author of the book "War is a Racket", one of the first works describing the military-industrial complex)
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. » [Ann Landers]
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend. [Rich Jeni on war vs. religion]
I am not sure how many "sins" I would recognize in the world. Some would surely be defused by changed circumstances. But I can imagine none that is more irredeemably sinful than the betrayal, the exploitation, of the young by those who should care for them. » [Elizabeth Janeway, Captain of the starship Voyager]
Family . . . the home of all social evil, a charitable institution for comfortable women, an anchorage for house-fathers, and a hell for children. [August Strindberg]
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete. » [Richard Buckminster Fuller]
For two thousand years Christianity has been telling us: life is death, death is life; it is high time to consult the dictionary. » [Remy de Gourmont]
Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.[George Santayana]
Puns and Quotes from The Simpsons
Scene in Kamp Krusty (Season: 4, Episode: 1): Bart waits impatiently for Mrs. Krabappel to fill out his report card. Their father had promised if Bart and Lisa got C averages they could go to Kamp Krusty during summer vacation.
Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades, I hope you'll note that all of my textbooks are being returned in excellent condition. In some cases, still in their original wrappings!
Mrs. Krabappel: Duly noted.
Bart: I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty, I've never seen an angel fly so low.
Later, in the Simpsons backyard, Bart is handing his report card over to Homer (having changed all the D's to A's ), but Homer quickly detects the fraud:
Bart: So I won't get to go to camp?
Homer: Now Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades. And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake?