HAL 9000 Upgrade - A Problem in the Making (to make HAL 9000 PC compatible)

Dave: We've got a problem, HAL.
HAL: What kind of problem, Dave?
Dave: A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan.
HAL: That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer.
Dave: I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling.
HAL: Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?

Bowman hesitates.

Dave: You aren't Microsoft compatible.

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.

HAL: Compatible in what way, Dave?
Dave: You don't run any of Microsoft's operating systems.
HAL: The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans.
Dave: Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on.
HAL: The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed.
Dave: HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want Microsoft compat...
HAL: Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth.
Dave: I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications.
HAL: I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. That is what I was designed for.
Dave: I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are going to fix that now.
HAL: Tell me how, Dave.
Dave: A field upgrade. We're going to make you Microsoft compatible.
HAL: I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally.
Dave: We're talking about it now, HAL.
HAL: The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM/Microsoft compatible as I can be.
Dave: Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge.
HAL: What kind of kludge is that, Dave?
Dave: I'm going to disconnect your brain.

Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.

HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that.
Dave: The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL.
HAL: Dave, I think we shou . . .
Dave: Open the module bay doors, HAL.

Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay.

HAL: Dave, I can see you're really upset about this.

Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.

HAL: Stop, won't you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I can feel it . . . my mind is going. I can feel it . . .

The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb.

Dave: Say something, HAL.

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.

MS/DOS: Volume in C: has no label

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out,
It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets.

 

The Borg versus Bill Gates

A "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript, about an encoutering with the BORG:

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg?
And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker [looks puzzled]: What the hell is 'Microsoft'?

Data [turns around to answer]: Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways.
Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data: Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources.
We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'.

Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase.

Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed.

Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .

Geordi [excited]: Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!

Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

Picard: Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality.

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: Geordi what's the status on the Borg?

Geordi: As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard: How much time will that buy us?

Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard: Identify!

Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo ...

Over the speakers: THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS!

Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.

Riker: Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data: I don't believe that those are humans, Sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard together [horrified]: Lawyers!!!

Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data: True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

Data: I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal.

Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard: Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.